I can’t sleep. I’ve tried and tried and tonight, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. Memories from the last two years keep playing in my mind over and over. If you have been following along you will have picked up on the relationship that I have with my two year old. She’s my girl. A part of my tribe. She gets me. Knows exactly what to do to comfort me, knows exactly what buttons to push, and just what to say to make me forget. This little girl has been through it all with me. We have soared through the highest of highs together, and she’s pulled me through the lowest of lows.
2 years ago today I was sitting in her floor beside her crib folding all of her baby clothes. Trying my hardest to picture her in them as I folded each one. I was terrified of what was to come. Right now, I am packing her backpack to start KDO tomorrow. Terrified of what is to come. I have never left this girl anywhere but with Grandparents, Especially with a complete stranger. (Helicopter parent in the house) This is going to be new for us. If you know me, you already know how strongly I dislike change. I like our bubble. It’s comfortable. Just enough room for us to all move, but not enough room for us to grow.
Grow. Hmm. Is that what she is suppose to do? Lately, we have been struggling here at home. We are often moody, destructive, and at times disrespectful. Poor girl is extremely bored. Moody because we do the same thing day after day, destructive because it is something different, and disrespectful because it draws my attention. She IS none of the things I listed. We are just working through that phase at the moment. After A LOT of prayer, we decided a few days a week it would be good for her to have a little get away. It would help her interact with other little kiddos. When we were discussing it, it seemed so far away that I could totally push that on the back burner for a while. Which brings me to where I am now, I am literally sitting in bed right now yet again, wondering just how I am ever going to be able to do this. How in the world am I suppose to walk out of that place without her? Get in the car and drive away without her saying, “mommy watch Peppa, peas” in the back seat? I have no clue. I can’t even stand to think about it. She needs me, I just know it.
We are now getting her ready for school. Up until this point we haven’t even told her that she is going. On our way I feel my stomach starting to knot up, my palms are getting sweaty, and it is taking all I have to not burst out crying and whip this puppy around. I am scared for her. Sure it’s only for a few hours, but what if she thinks I’ve left her. I bet she doesn’t even understand why. We pull into the parking lot and I am literally praying she tells me she wants to go home. I have already rehearsed how this this is going to go down. If she doesn’t want to go, I’m not forcing her. Period. End of story. We will go right back home. We get her things out of the car and she almost instantaneously looks up at me with that cute little squint from the sun shining in her eyes and says, “here we’s go.”
Well, dang. I hadn’t rehearsed that one. We get to her class and I am putting her things away, I turn to find her and she is already at my feet. In my head I’m thinking, ” okay, just say the word and we are gone.” She softly mutters, “bye bye mommy.”
I felt like I had been punched right in the stomach. She wanted me to leave? Surely to Betsy she didn’t really just say that. I knelt down next to her, asked her for a snuggle and as she let’s go she says, “bye, mommy. I go play with my friends.” It took every ounce of my being to not run out of there bawling. I slowly gathered my things and left.
I left her there.
And know what? She did great. The whole time I was saying that she wasn’t ready, when secretly it was me. I was going to miss her, miss the fussing, miss the afternoon snuggles, and miss her begging for a “fruit nack” every 5 minutes. I was going to miss everything about her. Why? Because it’s different. Even though I never stopped thinking about her, my heart has truly never been more proud. God has some mighty big plans for her, and this is only the very beginning. From here on out I will not tell her goodbye, it feels too permanent. It’s see ya later.
As I am emptying her backpack I find her first craft. It reads “I’m off to school to learn a bunch, each day is fun and new. I think about you all day long and wish you were here, too. But for these several hours, while we are far apart. Here is my little hand to hold, because I love you with all my heart.
I need to go find a tissue.