Safe. 

Right now. In this very moment, we are standing in line at target and I literally want to just lay down in the floor.

 I. 

am. 

tired. 

Tired of the constant struggle. Tired of the whining. Tired of listening to Peppa freaking pig on repeat. Tired of the tantrums. Tired of this day. You know, when your almost two year old asks for something? and you {literally} squeeze your butt cheeks together because you already know when you say no that this whole building is fixing to go up in flames.

yeah.

Today, it was over PEPPA PIG TENNIS SHOES. Whose terrible idea was this? Great marketing technique, but HORRIBLE idea. While listening to the epic meltdown taking place in the cart (and yes, people are now staring). I couldn’t help but curse the fool that said “Hey, let’s make a Peppa pig tennis shoe. You know that all the little girls that come by these will cry and scream and beg for them. And their mom’s ha! I bet their mom’s haven’t showered in a few days, decided to get brave and get out of the house for a bit. By the time they get to this point, she won’t be able to take it anymore. She will buy the shoes, just to make it all stop.” That’s pretty much exactly how it all went. Except.. I refused to buy the shoes. I refused to give in. By not buying the shoes, hopefully she is learning something. It is completely unacceptable to behave this way and then expect to get what you want. Being a mom is hard. So hard. And sometimes it’s (dare I say it) ugly. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it anymore. That I am failing so miserably. 

Just when I feel myself ducking down about to get down on my knees, I catch a glimpse of Lyncoln’s face. She has a slight grin and as we make eye contact, she crinkles that tiny little button nose. I found the courage to lock my knees, roll the basket forward and keep checking things off of my list. 

So. many. times. I feel like I am failing my family, failing my husband, failing my kids, failing myself, and failing my God. And just when I don’t think I can’t take one more step, God steps in and saves me. Every. Single. Time. He shows me the beauty in my circumstances, shows me grace, and shows me his unfailing love. Life is a baseball game that we are all playing. Each day is a new game, and each circumstance is a new inning. Today as I am rounding third base I am fighting to reach home plate.  And as I am sliding into home I hear him whisper “safe.” He picks me up and dusts me off, and gives me the strength to go again. He is always there encouraging me, and coaching me through life. It is me that has to choose to listen to him or listen to the stands.

This morning as we are standing in church and tears are steadily streaming down my face singing, “Weak made strong, in the savior’s love.” I instantly get chills running up and down my spine and I realize that I am not alone. He is always with me, lifting me up when I am too weak to stand. Pushing me to be my best and carrying me when I cannot walk. My prayer for all of you reading this, is that you feel his unfailing love. I pray that you too get to experience this. I deserve, Nothing. And yet he blessed me with this life. This absolutely humbling, beautiful, crazy, and sometimes ugly life. 

Cornerstone-Hillsong United 

—the average mama 

you & me girl

Tonight as I am writing this, I just finished planning my daughters SECOND birthday party. I have been putting it off for far too long, we have been potty training (insert eye roll here) and it seemed to give me a good excuse to not have to face it. This is where the screw ups usually begin. I put off things that are painful or things that make me down right emotional until I am forced to deal with what ever the circumstance may be. In turn causing everything to be much more dramatic and stessful than it would have been in the first place. Kinnnda like right now, see what I am doing here?

If we are being honest, this is all moving way too fast for me. Two. How in the world is she already going to be two? I can still remember the day I found out about her, and all the emotions come flooding back (cue the tears). I would’ve never guessed that those two little blue lines would change my heart so much…

At 11 pm sitting in the floor waiting for the result to come in, little did I know it was just you and me girl. At 3 in the morning when I was trying to figure out how was I  ever going to be able to do this, it was just you and me girl. When I was trying to find the courage to tell our families about you, it was just you and me girl. As I walked down the isle to marry your daddy, it was just you and me girl. All of those 2am, 3am, 3:25am (you get it) bathroom trips, it was just you and me girl. As I sat in your nursery rocking back and fourth in your rocking chair asking God how I was going to be able to do this, it was still just you and me girl. As I sat in the hospital bed waiting for my epidural, we listened to your daddy snore, and it was just you and me girl. As our doctor placed your little body on my chest, it was just you and me girl. Middle of the night nursing, bathroom nursing, many many diaper changes, late night/early morning crying because you missed me, it was all just me and you girl. I am having trouble letting go. I find all of my comfort in those little chubby arms. Every night as I put her to bed I can physically feel her body growing, and as when we are standing in her room swaying side to side I feel the closest to God that I have ever felt. This is his child and he picked us to care for her.

“He took a little child whom he placed among them. Taking the child in his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.”” Mark‬ ‭9:36-37‬ ‭NIV‬‬
‭‭

I will never forget the way I felt when they handed her to me. I was literally holding the weight of the world in my hands. I vividly remember thinking “how am I going to raise her in a world like this?” From that moment on my heart has been different. At the end of the day I sit down knowing I have given everything I have whether I’ve got it to give or not. I do it with contentment and perseverance in my heart. How was I going to raise her in a world like this?  With a lot of Jesus, a lot of prayer and a lot of love. There is no other way. So as she turns another year older, we are fulfilling his plan for us. I will desperately cling to all of the times we shared “just you and me girl.”

–theaveragemama

 

 

 

 

Photography by:
Tara Hobgood Photography
http://www.tarahobgood.com